Fighting for your partner - and your sanity!

Being the same sex partner of someone who needs care is in itself no different from being a carer for anyone – except for the added invisibility that many of us may face when services are not always aware of how to communicate with us as LGBTQ+ people.

In my own case, as the partner of someone for over 30 years, we have gone through times when you really could not discuss your relationship with a health professional – for fear of (at best) ignorance or even downright prejudice.

Although general awareness for some of us has largely improved, there is still a lack of understanding of what specific support is relevant for our communities. Services can - by making just a few simple amendments to how they promote their services and run their operations -  make a massive difference to the lives of LGBTQ+ people who need support and those who are caring for them.

In my experience, my partner has various health conditions, which can often dominate his day-to-day life as he struggles with health anxiety, something that is not often understood – even by health care professionals.

Just to have yourself understood is a battle sometimes and basic things like trying to get a blue disabled badge for example are a nightmare if your disability is not clearly visible.

My partner has always struggled with anxiety but this has become worse in the last few years due to a recent heart attack and ongoing health complications such as prostate problems which tend to dominate his life - and mine.

Because of sheer frustration he often cannot be bothered to fight – yes fight, with care organisations and I have to speak up for him because these days organisational systems and procedures are so complicated that for anyone who struggles with anxiety it just gets all too much to deal with. Far too often, it seems that those who require care are not at the heart of decision-making processes. This is where I have to step in and try to have patience to see things through when my partner is so disillusioned and really has had enough of the whole operation – even though we do need support.

Fortunately, I can work from home, which makes things easier, if for some reason I have to drop everything and attend to the latest problem. I must admit though that sometimes, far from me being able to diffuse the anxiety, it often transfers to me and sometimes I just can't plan anything because I do not know what I am doing from one day to the next!

It has taken decades for my partner to be ready to receive the support he needs and I am glad to say that just this year he has finally found the right service that works for him but it has not happened without a lot of trial and error over the years. So much so that he really had very little faith that any organisation or individual would be able to help him, such was the sheer frustration from years of not being listened to.

If I were in any position to give anyone words of comfort or advice, I would say hang in there and for other LGBTQ+ people to reach out to those organisations working to support our own communities as they really can make such a difference when we feel isolated and at the end of the road. You are entitled to support and it must be appropriate for you and the person you are caring for.

Published on 13/04/23